On moods and madness...


Our daughter has had a very good past couple weeks, we have enjoyed her so much and I praise God that he gave us a stable Christmas together. Last night things turned for the worse again. I don't know why this always takes me by surprise but each time she gets 'better' I start to think we are in the clear. Even though I know in the back of my mind( logic ) she will struggle again, my heart forgets. Who knows what set her off last night, all I know is that she seemed agitated and caged in, pacing the house almost, keeping to herself, snapping at her brothers, fighting with her friends on the phone. I know she had left her cell phone charger at a friends house and she kept wanting me to take her to get it, I told her I would take her the next time we went somewhere (today) but not last night. This was irritating to her, she was angry inside. I know that she didn't really know why so she looks for a target, this is how she gets.

So she is using my phone to call her friends, I didn't even know, fighting with them and yelling. next thing I know her dad brings me my phone, it is broken. she has thrown it across the room. At this point we order her to come and sit in the living room chair with us the rest of the night, we can see that she is not stable and not thinking right, trying to prevent her from being up in her room cutting. She sits there crying and scratching her arms for hours, refuses to speak or answer our questions as to why and who has her so upset, of course I say some things I am not proud of in anger over my phone getting broke. I am taking the phone we got her for Christmas, as my replacement, sad that she didn't even get to keep it a week, and she really loved it so much. But each time I see it or use it I just feel sick. Sick that my daughter suffers, It is not her choice to be this way. I know that she makes bad choices over and over, believe me I know. But she would like to do differently. The meds help, but don't cure. I know that she needs to go into long term treatment, but I don't have faith that it will help, I lack the guts to send her away, I am afraid of what might happen, it might make it worse. I pray to God to give me the wisdom to know what to do, and the strength to do it. I pray to God to heal her mind and rid her of the demons that are killing her. I am thankful to God for the good times we have with her. I pray that I will be the mom she needs and someday she will be happy and be able to feel the love we all have for her. We ended last night with her forced to sleep in a pallet in our floor because we knew she was to unstable to be up stairs alone and feared what she might get into.

This is hard to post stuff like this, it is much easier to go about and keep this kind of stuff private, but if this helps one other person, one mother who might be wondering 'is something wrong with my child' then it is worth it. The world needs to understand this kind of thing more and not blame.. blame the parents,( not strict enough, not consistent, spoiled kids, ect...) we have been good parents, Not perfect, but good. We have tried our best. Blame the child.....( she's just bad, she's spoiled, manipulating, needs a spanking, needs sent away, needs jail, needs to be taught a lesson that actions have consequences). ENOUGH! she is hurting too! she is a young girl, a girl who has lived a life of not understanding her own emotions, anger. A girl who can't explain why her thoughts twist like they do, a girl whom God has a plan for and JESUS loves, a girl who her mother loves, but fears that she can't feel it. I am adding a song that reminds me of my daughter take the time to listen to the words. This turned out to be a pouring out getting on my soapbox kind of post. Thanks for reading, pray for her, pray for me.