Heartbreak & Hope


We took dd Wednesday and left her at her 'new home' it is very much like an acute care psych center. For those who have never been to one it is very strict. The first week she is on what they call eyeball restriction, must be seen by staff at all times. She can build up freedoms and even get overnight visits home after a while. She was very angry when she realized what it was going to be like, we left her crying, trembling, and cursing us... I thought it would kill me. She called last night and sounded much better. She asked if we were coming to visit Sunday. I feel so much better since I talked to her. Maybe this will help, she is living with trained counselors that are on shift night and day. She will not be able to use the coping skills she is used to using, no cutting herself, no scratching herself, no music, ect.. she will be forced to learn new healthy coping skills for dealing with stress. She will get group therapy daily and individual therapy with her therapist and doctor. Maybe, just maybe she can begin to understand ways to make better choices and express herself. I have hope.
I have been so sad with her not here, my thoughts were tortured, (the enemy knows my weakness is my children) thinking of her stressed and alone, living in utter misery. I truly couldn't see any difference in this place and being in Guantanamo bay, I still believed we had done the right thing but it I could find no peace, but last night the Lord spoke to me. I opened the new issue of The old schoolhouse magazine reading part two of homeschooling the rebel, how at times they had to put their child out of the home to live with other family, so to have peace and order restored, (I see now that the Lord has given me a window of much needed peace and calm with hubby and the boys. I am not going to allow the devil to take this by keeping me preoccupied with worry about dd. The boys deserve some time with mom and dad without dd causing stress and being hateful, God is allowing us to have a breather, while he works on her heart.) and how it helped the rebellious child to realize that they must change their behaviors. What a comfort to know that the Lord finds ways to speak to me even when I am so wrapped up in my sorrow that I'm not listening, he finds a way. God is so good. The average stay for this place is 8 mos, it will not be easy but I am hopeful today that it can make a positive difference in her life.

Finally .... here are photos of our house.

Here is the front, the garage is on the right just out of sight.

Then the back as seen from the field.

This is the living room: from standing inside the front door in the foyer

looking to the front door, & from standing in the breakfast nook.

this is my kitchen & breakfast nook, I really, really love it.

I realized in these photos that I have yet to get the stickers off my windows & my fridge is covered with stuff from the kids and ect..

Here is the dining room it's RED, I love my square table, I need to get drapes on the windows. right now we use the corner hutch to hold school books.

My utility room is great! Larry did a great job building these cabinets to make this room just what I wanted, the wall not seen in this pic has a small closet for cleaning supplies and also a coat rack. Someday I want to put a bench here and add a wall calender/message center.

This is the 1/2 bath just off the living room. I added the photo with the potty so you can see how pretty the stained concrete floors are.

Our bedroom & master bath (Harry called this color turd brown, I like it though) As you can see the window trim is missing from the glass block window above the tub, they sent the wrong size and have yet to replace it gurrr!

this is Caden's room, note that there's no bed in here, because he is still sleeping with us!! (well beside us anyway.) He uses this as a play room.

Here is Z'a room, he is into army stuff can you tell?

Autumns room is not getting photos because it's a disaster. but here's the upstairs bath.

I truly love our home, all the work we did was so worth it, so far I haven't found one thing I would have done differently. I even love cleaning it. I feel amazingly blessed that we were able to build and have things turn out as well as they did, with no major problems. Now if only I had some nice flower beds :)

FOR TODAY - January 19th, 2009


Outside my window... The sun is shining, temp. today lower 40's


I am thinking... About spring, new beginnings, new plants, being outdoors in the sunshine.


I am thankful for.. My job, nursing is a stable profession in this uncertain market.


From the learning rooms... Today Caden is working in his skills book & phonics work. Tomorrow is field trip day. Wednesday is reading, writing, & math. Thursday's we do science & reading. Friday is history, phonics, math
My classes are Monday and Wednesdays AM.


From the kitchen... My menu for the weeknight dinners this week is.......
Monday - hamburger steaks, creamy onion bake (new recipe) green beans
Tuesday - spaghetti, salad, Texas toast
Wednesday - eating out
Thursday - veggie stir fry, fried rice
Friday - creamy chicken helper, veggie, roll
Saturday - pork chops, taters, gravy, veggie
Sunday - soup, cornbread
Breakfasts vary - things like cream of wheat, cold cereals, oatmeal, eggs, biscuits & sausage, french toast.
Lunches - simple things like soup & grilled cheese, PB&J with fruit, sloppy Joe's, or leftovers from night before.


I am wearing... my sleep shirt, yes I have my coffee and blog in the morning in my pjs :)


I am creating... This blog, which I hope will keep a record of my life. One day maybe may grown children will be reading this.


I am going... to clean house today, then take and post pics of our new home.


I am reading... blogs about fugal living, my Bible, My textbooks


I am hoping... My daughter will begin to understand her emotions and behaviors, and how they effect her life and others


I am hearing... Caden play star wars, dd sorting through pics sitting on my bed. ( I think she is waiting on me to get off the computer hoping I'll let her on line a bit)


Around the house... Finally got my Christmas stuff put away ( I don't get in a hurry on this )


One of my favorite things... Coupon clipping, I am saving lots of $$ and really having fun.


A few plans for the rest of the week: dd has therapy tomorrow, Wednesday we take her to RTC it will be a hard day for us.


Here is picture thought I am sharing... I will post pics in a later post, I am going to be posting photos of the house and of my walgreens trip.


you can find this daybook blogroll at http://thesimplewoman.blogspot.com/

Just an update..

We were in court last Thursday and we were given court ordered placement into a residential treatment youth facility (which we were asking for) dd knew we were in the process of getting approved, still when she found out that she would be going this week she was very angry. She didn't speak to anyone (except hateful snips ) for 3 days. She was thinking that it would be like living in acute care, I finally got her to stay in the room with me long enough to explain that she would be able to have personal items, pics, makeup, ect.. and she is much happier now. She even brought down her bag of clothes that she packed and showed them to me!
I am having mixed emotions, I hope I don't fall apart Wednesday when we take her there. It sounds like a good place, I know she needs to go, if she stays here she will end up getting into trouble and going to detention or worse hurt herself or someone else. We can visit and call, I think she will get weekend home visits if she is stable and doing well. Still, I carry this lump in my throat, I keep thinking of her room being empty, one less plate at the table, ect.. yes, she is diffcult but it will leave a very large void in our day to day life with her not living here. When she is in a good, sociable mood she lights up a room. really! For example Thursday when we were at lunch, a young waiter came to the table and said to her..... "Miss, I just have to tell you that you are the most beautiful person to ever walk through that door, and you took my breath away. I just think you have to know it" then he left. She just smiled and said "thank you" Such is life with my daughter!
So keep us in your prayers, pray the boys understand why she is not going to be here. I try to explain things but keep it light. It is hard to know how much to say, they know of course that she has issues, so I think they understand that she is trying to get 'better."

The stomach bug...


Yuck.. 3am this morning Z starts vomiting, this always wrecks his blood sugar and we are likely to need to go into the hospital for IV fluids. I have meds to help but so far they haven't worked. His sugar was 378 when he started and we have gotten it down to 169. Hope we don't get low while unable to keep anything down. Diabetes nurse has us bump up his basal rates a tiny bit.. I'm worried about lows..

11:50 update - keeping sips down, no ketones, BS 196, seems to feel better. Maybe we have licked it ! yeah!!
Today dd goes in for therapy, She was feeling better last week from Tuesday through the weekend, has been a little edgy again since Sunday. Got sent home Monday for smoking at school, sneaky and lying here at home. Seems 'restless and looking for trouble'. I am holding my breath. We go to court Thursday and hope to hear if RTC placement is approved in the next few days.
College classes started yesterday, I am very busy with all the reading and notes I take. Caden is back to lessons also. I will try to post my schedule soon.

I don't think I've mentioned just how much my mom helps me, I could not make it without her. She has always watched my children while I worked or if I just needed her too. I am so grateful that she is such a big part of their lives. I swear my boys would just move in with her if I let them ( except at bedtime Caden would call to come home and snuggle with mom :) We live close by and see her almost daily. She is always at the kids baseball, basketball games. Even though we still have several years of the boys playing ball, I will miss it when they are grown and no longer involved in the school sports. My mother and I have had many a good memory watching softball and traveling to the 'middle of nowhere' for games. I bet she will read this too... so thanks mom, for all you do for me and the kids. I love you.

Walgreens deals this week..

Another good week at walgreens. Most of the above stuff was free. This is what I got,

2 - 48 count stayfree pads 6.99 each

(B1G1 coupon from paper, 1.00 off online coupon, 3.00 off each store sale coupon)= both FREE

Garnier conditioner and hairspray 2.99 each

(2.00 off each in store coupon, 2- 1.00 off MF coupons)= both FREE

palmolive dishliquid on sale .79 minus .25 MF soupon =.55

electrasol tabs 25 ct sale price 3.49

(minus 2.50 coupon from paper) = .99 plus there's a 1.50 rebate I'll get in my giftcard

viactive chews 5.49

(minus 3.00 store coupon, 1.00 MF)=1.49

alka seltzer cold 5.00

flintstones 5.oo

neo-synephrine spray 5.00

bayer aspirin 5.oo

(these last 4 items were a spend $20 get $10 back in RR, also bayer is having a rebate that will give you 1/2 of what you paid). I used a 1.00 off MF coupon for each item so I spent 16.00 got 10 bucks back for next week and will get a rebate from bayer for $8.00

all total after you count the RR and rebates I got everything in the above photo cost me 3.02 and that includes tax!!!

This is so much fun, there is just nothing like free stuff!

It all fell apart...


On Friday night we let dd go to friends house this is record of the next 48 hrs...She and another friend asked to stay over at friends house.(I have known both the girls and there parents for years) I was going to drop them off at her house on my way to work, the plan was that this girls mom would take them to movie and pizza, I had not talked with the mom yet and planned to when I dropped them off. On the way they are talking to the girl on the phone, I hear... Well where are you? then, mom can you just take us to the movies, they are already in town at walmart.. Ok I had no problem with that. When we get to movies the girl and her mom haven't gotten there yet, since I had to get to work, I drop them at the door and in they go.
fast forward to the next night. I am at work, I get a call from the police. They have picked up my daughter and need me to come pick her up. It seems that all three of these girls told their parent a different story, we have not got the truth about where they stayed Friday night yet. Saturday night they and many other kids were out in the woods behind Hastings partying and Lord knows what! When the cops showed up my daughter was one of the kids the ran, she was ticketed with criminal trespassing and fleeing on foot.( back into the juvinile system she goes) I took her for a drug test within hours and she was positive for sedatives. She also confessed to recently taking 5 hydrocodone while she was hanging out at Hastings, she said she vomited afterward. That amount could have been fatal if it had been kept down.
This leaves no doubt in my mind that she needs to go into a long term treatment. We are in the process of that now. The past two days have been awful, she is in a major depression and I have been on suicide watch, checking on her often, checking meds, knife counts ect. We went through a suicide attempt in the past, I have had trouble putting that memory behind me. For a long time afterward I dreaded waking her up in the morning for fear I'd find her cold and dead. She is hardly speaking, zoned out much of the time, if you speak to her you get yelled at. her room smells like vomit, she wouldn't wake up yesterday and get ready for school. Just better to leave her alone right now? All attempts to talk with her or ask her if she is ok make her more angry. Today she did go to school, maybe that will help. We are seeing her doctor and therapist tomorrow, and go to court for a FINS on the 15th. Pray nothing worse happens in the mean time. We thought of trying for acute care placement now, but she is denying suicide thoughts and wouldn't qualify. I pray this gets better today, the stress is killing me, I honestly am feeling some depression and anxiety over this but I just don't have the time to deal with it right now. To top it off college classes start in 9 days. I know the Lord won't give you more then you can handle, so I am praying for a stronger back, as I feel mine is breaking under the wt of all this... I have faith that he will never leave me though and has given me this verse to console me
But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, AND NOT BE WEARY; and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

My 2009 New Years Goals

1. Lose wt. I am not setting a pound mark at this time. I plan on doing this by keeping track of what I'm putting in my mouth, making good choices and limiting calories to around 1500 a day. Walking 30 mins at least 4 days a week. I have joined up with another fellow blogger for support and may check into joining wt watchers either online or the local group in town.

2. read the bible through this year. I would like to find a plan that follows a historical timeline of the bible, I will look for one this weekend online.

3. keep a written log of Z's blood sugars, I did so good at this the first couple years and then just quit writing it all down, I will start keeping his log again. It really helps to know when to make changes in his basal rates ect...

Having a better day..

Yesterday morning was still rough with dd very touchy, and withdrawn. We all just try and stay out of her way and have as little interaction with her a possible during times like this or it tends to set her off again. By last night she was back to normal, out in the kitchen talking with us and asking to go over to friends house ect.. we kept her home still last night to be sure the mood was truly better and all seems fine today. Praise the Lord. Tonight she is wanting to go over to a local friends house and stay, this girl has never been in trouble and I think would be ok, maybe a good influence on dd, so we will let her go.

On moods and madness...


Our daughter has had a very good past couple weeks, we have enjoyed her so much and I praise God that he gave us a stable Christmas together. Last night things turned for the worse again. I don't know why this always takes me by surprise but each time she gets 'better' I start to think we are in the clear. Even though I know in the back of my mind( logic ) she will struggle again, my heart forgets. Who knows what set her off last night, all I know is that she seemed agitated and caged in, pacing the house almost, keeping to herself, snapping at her brothers, fighting with her friends on the phone. I know she had left her cell phone charger at a friends house and she kept wanting me to take her to get it, I told her I would take her the next time we went somewhere (today) but not last night. This was irritating to her, she was angry inside. I know that she didn't really know why so she looks for a target, this is how she gets.

So she is using my phone to call her friends, I didn't even know, fighting with them and yelling. next thing I know her dad brings me my phone, it is broken. she has thrown it across the room. At this point we order her to come and sit in the living room chair with us the rest of the night, we can see that she is not stable and not thinking right, trying to prevent her from being up in her room cutting. She sits there crying and scratching her arms for hours, refuses to speak or answer our questions as to why and who has her so upset, of course I say some things I am not proud of in anger over my phone getting broke. I am taking the phone we got her for Christmas, as my replacement, sad that she didn't even get to keep it a week, and she really loved it so much. But each time I see it or use it I just feel sick. Sick that my daughter suffers, It is not her choice to be this way. I know that she makes bad choices over and over, believe me I know. But she would like to do differently. The meds help, but don't cure. I know that she needs to go into long term treatment, but I don't have faith that it will help, I lack the guts to send her away, I am afraid of what might happen, it might make it worse. I pray to God to give me the wisdom to know what to do, and the strength to do it. I pray to God to heal her mind and rid her of the demons that are killing her. I am thankful to God for the good times we have with her. I pray that I will be the mom she needs and someday she will be happy and be able to feel the love we all have for her. We ended last night with her forced to sleep in a pallet in our floor because we knew she was to unstable to be up stairs alone and feared what she might get into.

This is hard to post stuff like this, it is much easier to go about and keep this kind of stuff private, but if this helps one other person, one mother who might be wondering 'is something wrong with my child' then it is worth it. The world needs to understand this kind of thing more and not blame.. blame the parents,( not strict enough, not consistent, spoiled kids, ect...) we have been good parents, Not perfect, but good. We have tried our best. Blame the child.....( she's just bad, she's spoiled, manipulating, needs a spanking, needs sent away, needs jail, needs to be taught a lesson that actions have consequences). ENOUGH! she is hurting too! she is a young girl, a girl who has lived a life of not understanding her own emotions, anger. A girl who can't explain why her thoughts twist like they do, a girl whom God has a plan for and JESUS loves, a girl who her mother loves, but fears that she can't feel it. I am adding a song that reminds me of my daughter take the time to listen to the words. This turned out to be a pouring out getting on my soapbox kind of post. Thanks for reading, pray for her, pray for me.