Class of 2011

Preparing to Fly !!!

Autumn received her high school diploma at the home school graduation ceremony on

the 21st,

We are so proud of her

She will turn 18 in two weeks, her plans are still undecided, I know she will move out of our home and into the Lord's hands , of course, that is where she's been all along.... So I keep reminding myself that he will continue to care for her. I trust him.

Our wayward child returns..

I am happy to report that our daughter is back home safe and sound, I am very thankful to have her home.

I feel that I need to say... that it is only because of the Love of God that I am able to welcome her back with open arms. I will not lie, the human nature in me harbors anger toward her for the worry and hurt and selfish acts she has continued to pull for many years, the human nature in me wants to kick her rebellious butt to the curb and let her find out the hard way that the world is cold, and home is where she should long to be, the human nature in me is tired of giving her chances and feeling the hurt & disappointment when she lies and deceives us yet again.

But then I remember something & I am so completely, overtaken and grateful that the Lord loved us all when we where ungrateful, liers hiding in that garden so long age, because we were ashamed, yes hiding and ashamed because we knew we had messed up (same as she did), yet he did not leave us and let us fend for ourselves.. no he came looking for us, to find us, he knew.. of course. He must have felt hurt and disappointment that we had disobeyed, and yes there was a price to be paid,( and she will have one too) but the Lord made a way for us to come back to him.. and that is why I am able to wrap my arms around our struggling, challenging, rebel daughter and say....... Welcome home, this morning. Thank you Lord for loving me, may your love be shown to her through me. Lisa

Continue to struggle with our daughter

Although on the surface things have appeared to be improved for a while, I have suspected for quite some time that the same issues were still just beneath the surface. As of late Autumn has had some personal issues with the friends and boyfriend she had been hanging with, this I knew would lead to increased problems. New Years Eve Autumn became upset with me for not letting her stay overnight with friends since she was 1 1/2 hrs late coming home and trying to lie about it. So on New Years Day I awoke to her being gone.... She still is ... Just gone.... no note, no attempt to contact us ............ nothing..
I believe I know who she is with, I have no ideal how to contact her ( her phone is off) or where she is living, I have reported her as a runaway to the local police, I am not sure what we are prepared to do when/if she is found before she turns 18 in June. I am prayerful about this and it is a weight on my heart. I am sad but most of all I feel.... tired.... of feeling this heartbreak. I wonder if I will ever have my daughter want to be home and be part of this family, I long for her to be able to feel the love we have for her and do not understand why she can't feel how much we treasure and love her and how many blessings we would love to be able to give her ... I would give anything to reach her heart... if only she would let us....

It's been so busy I haven't posted in weeks.. I am happy to report that dd is out of the court system and her fins has been dropped at our request, we feel she is doing so much better right now. :) She has been allowed to go out on the weekends and she has came home on time! She has been doing well with her school work and helping out at home even without being asked! No cutting or unstable behavior for many weeks now. We are just thrilled with how well she is doing, I think this latest medication change has finally addressed some of the neuro chemicals she was lacking, it is like having the Autumn we knew was inside her, finally living with us.
Homeschooling is going well for all, it is most difficult for Z, he tends to be a bit lazy and get board easy, he needs a project to keep busy with but I haven't came up with anything yet..
RN school is HARD, but going well, It am counting the weeks until it's over!! We have decided that if at all possible we are going to take the family to Disney next year in celebration of my RN completion, of coarse it will depend on us being able to scrimp and save the money but it gives me something to look forword too.
I am ready for spring and have gotten my garden seeds ready to start indoors, this year I am trying sweet corn, my husband thinks this is a waste of time and that it will not work out but I am stubborn and am giving it a go anyways.. and I still want chickens... blessings Lisa

Happy New Year & guess what?.....

I WON!!

The contest for the subscription to The Old Schoolhouse magazine. I am so thrilled, I love this magazine and I had not been able to renew my subscription this past year when it ended. This is the best homeschooling magazine I've found. There are still give aways to be won at Tamara's blog at Branch of Wisdom, so go sign up.

We are getting ready to start the second 12 weeks of homeschool. We made it through the last 12 weeks, but are a bit behind where we should be. I knew going into it while taking 4 college classes that it was possible we would not be able to keep up. We will have to make up time in geography, and science. I am looking foward to getting started again.

In other areas - Autumns mood has been awful the past 2 days. She is cutting again, one night was so bad I had to take her friend (was here for a sleepover) home at midnight and we had Autumn sleep on a mat beside out bed, after talking with the on call mental health therapist. We suspect this stems from problems with her 'boyfriend' or others. It is a very long and winding road we are on with her... we continue to pray and ask for prayer for her and for us in our way of dealing with her issues.

Blessings, Lisa

She is coming home to stay !!! :)

Dd is coming home Tuesday, I am so glad. I can't wait to have all my children home every night. I am prepared for a time of transition for a while, it has been hard with her not here, but to be completely honest it was a break from having to deal with the issues she has day to day, and the worrying about her safety at times, so it will take some getting used to for both of us I'm sure. Praise the Lord she is coming home.

I can't wait to finish summer classes, It will be wonderful to have a couple of days each week to be HOME. Dishes and clothes can be kept up and ORDER can be restored around here. Oh sweet day! We have survived the summer only because of the help from my mom, she has been coming to our house to watch the kids each day since Z broke his leg & she takes care of lots of the cleaning for me. What I would do without her I just don't know, and my hubby is great to cook at night while I do homework. He is great! I am sure both of them will be glad when mom takes over her duties again. But for now its time for class... blessings Lisa

I hate it when Autumn is having a bad day,
today was a phone family session with her, harry & me, and her therapist. During the session Autumn felt like she didn't have the answers to some of the questions we talked about. She became so stressed that she had a panic attack?? & couldn't breath, the nurse was called and our session ended. I just talked to her and she said it happened again for no reason during supper. This time she felt sick, felt like her throat was closing, started shaking and had to have the nurse come again. She is better right now but I am worried. Autumn has never had anxiety problems so I have no ideal what is behind these. I want to being her home! I feel so helpless not begin able to go and get her. I pray she will feel ok tonight & be able to rest well. I am asking for prayer that she will be able to be released soon. She needs her family and to know how much she is loved. I am holding to the truth of Gods words knowing that he will be with her and help her to cope with her emotions & fears. I KNOW THAT HE WILL NOT FORSAKE HER FOR SHE IS HIS CHILD AND HE HAS PROMISED THIS.

Isaiah 41:13 For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Our daughter has 'heart disease'..

Taking back what the enemy has stolen..


Lord, help me to not dwell on all the negative I see. Give me your strength to cross over from feeling helpless to believing you are able and willing to intervene in Autumn's life. Forgive me for the wrong things I've said or done that only added to the problem. Show me how I can extend love and forgiveness to Autumn and pray more effectively. Thank you, Lord for your comfort. Amen.

This is my prayer, it is from a book titled Praying Prodigals Home.
I have long prayed for Autumn, this is nothing new. But I am stepping up my efforts, The enemy has a strong hold on her, issues came up over the Easter weekend visit. She has all the reason to believe that she might discharge soon (as soon as next month) she has been doing so well in the program she's in, then over the weekend she messes up, her drug screen was positive when she returned. ( for oral morphine!!) She also lied about the why and how she got it ect... even told them that I gave it to her....! We don't even have that medication in our house, we never have. The truth is still not clear, I just can't figure out where she got it, she did have a couple of visitors but her entire visit was supervised.
I am just so disappointed. I had really been getting my hopes up as of late. I don't understand why she chooses the wrong path. I used to think it was her slight neurological delays/ her chemical imbalances that were to blame, I don't believe that anymore. Even a severely delayed person can choose right or wrong. The stark truth is that my precious, beautiful daughter just chooses to do wrong, she turns her back on what is right in favor of what is "right now" this is a disease of the heart, not the mind. Only God can cure this, I pray he will bend her heart to his voice.

Never thought I'd be upset with Children's hospital....

Cause I've always loved them, they were wonderful with the care and teaching when our son was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes... but I found out yesterday that dd had been to the clinic for a routine check up & I guess when the nice folks at the clinic saw that she was from "youth home" that translated into " parents who don't give a hoot" so they proceeded to give her every immunization that she could get..... NO ONE NOTIFIED OR ASKED ME, HER LEGAL GUARDIAN (AKA MOTHER.) The thing is she was not behind on her shots at all... the things given to her are some that are recommended but not required. She was given hep A, menactra, and daptacel. (sp?)
When did they start giving these to our children without our permission?? Just because she is living at youth home doesn't take my parental rights away! I am mad about this and you better believe I will be talking to the folks at children's. Autumn didn't need these shots and they should have never been given. Gurr..

Heartbreak & Hope


We took dd Wednesday and left her at her 'new home' it is very much like an acute care psych center. For those who have never been to one it is very strict. The first week she is on what they call eyeball restriction, must be seen by staff at all times. She can build up freedoms and even get overnight visits home after a while. She was very angry when she realized what it was going to be like, we left her crying, trembling, and cursing us... I thought it would kill me. She called last night and sounded much better. She asked if we were coming to visit Sunday. I feel so much better since I talked to her. Maybe this will help, she is living with trained counselors that are on shift night and day. She will not be able to use the coping skills she is used to using, no cutting herself, no scratching herself, no music, ect.. she will be forced to learn new healthy coping skills for dealing with stress. She will get group therapy daily and individual therapy with her therapist and doctor. Maybe, just maybe she can begin to understand ways to make better choices and express herself. I have hope.
I have been so sad with her not here, my thoughts were tortured, (the enemy knows my weakness is my children) thinking of her stressed and alone, living in utter misery. I truly couldn't see any difference in this place and being in Guantanamo bay, I still believed we had done the right thing but it I could find no peace, but last night the Lord spoke to me. I opened the new issue of The old schoolhouse magazine reading part two of homeschooling the rebel, how at times they had to put their child out of the home to live with other family, so to have peace and order restored, (I see now that the Lord has given me a window of much needed peace and calm with hubby and the boys. I am not going to allow the devil to take this by keeping me preoccupied with worry about dd. The boys deserve some time with mom and dad without dd causing stress and being hateful, God is allowing us to have a breather, while he works on her heart.) and how it helped the rebellious child to realize that they must change their behaviors. What a comfort to know that the Lord finds ways to speak to me even when I am so wrapped up in my sorrow that I'm not listening, he finds a way. God is so good. The average stay for this place is 8 mos, it will not be easy but I am hopeful today that it can make a positive difference in her life.

Just an update..

We were in court last Thursday and we were given court ordered placement into a residential treatment youth facility (which we were asking for) dd knew we were in the process of getting approved, still when she found out that she would be going this week she was very angry. She didn't speak to anyone (except hateful snips ) for 3 days. She was thinking that it would be like living in acute care, I finally got her to stay in the room with me long enough to explain that she would be able to have personal items, pics, makeup, ect.. and she is much happier now. She even brought down her bag of clothes that she packed and showed them to me!
I am having mixed emotions, I hope I don't fall apart Wednesday when we take her there. It sounds like a good place, I know she needs to go, if she stays here she will end up getting into trouble and going to detention or worse hurt herself or someone else. We can visit and call, I think she will get weekend home visits if she is stable and doing well. Still, I carry this lump in my throat, I keep thinking of her room being empty, one less plate at the table, ect.. yes, she is diffcult but it will leave a very large void in our day to day life with her not living here. When she is in a good, sociable mood she lights up a room. really! For example Thursday when we were at lunch, a young waiter came to the table and said to her..... "Miss, I just have to tell you that you are the most beautiful person to ever walk through that door, and you took my breath away. I just think you have to know it" then he left. She just smiled and said "thank you" Such is life with my daughter!
So keep us in your prayers, pray the boys understand why she is not going to be here. I try to explain things but keep it light. It is hard to know how much to say, they know of course that she has issues, so I think they understand that she is trying to get 'better."

It all fell apart...


On Friday night we let dd go to friends house this is record of the next 48 hrs...She and another friend asked to stay over at friends house.(I have known both the girls and there parents for years) I was going to drop them off at her house on my way to work, the plan was that this girls mom would take them to movie and pizza, I had not talked with the mom yet and planned to when I dropped them off. On the way they are talking to the girl on the phone, I hear... Well where are you? then, mom can you just take us to the movies, they are already in town at walmart.. Ok I had no problem with that. When we get to movies the girl and her mom haven't gotten there yet, since I had to get to work, I drop them at the door and in they go.
fast forward to the next night. I am at work, I get a call from the police. They have picked up my daughter and need me to come pick her up. It seems that all three of these girls told their parent a different story, we have not got the truth about where they stayed Friday night yet. Saturday night they and many other kids were out in the woods behind Hastings partying and Lord knows what! When the cops showed up my daughter was one of the kids the ran, she was ticketed with criminal trespassing and fleeing on foot.( back into the juvinile system she goes) I took her for a drug test within hours and she was positive for sedatives. She also confessed to recently taking 5 hydrocodone while she was hanging out at Hastings, she said she vomited afterward. That amount could have been fatal if it had been kept down.
This leaves no doubt in my mind that she needs to go into a long term treatment. We are in the process of that now. The past two days have been awful, she is in a major depression and I have been on suicide watch, checking on her often, checking meds, knife counts ect. We went through a suicide attempt in the past, I have had trouble putting that memory behind me. For a long time afterward I dreaded waking her up in the morning for fear I'd find her cold and dead. She is hardly speaking, zoned out much of the time, if you speak to her you get yelled at. her room smells like vomit, she wouldn't wake up yesterday and get ready for school. Just better to leave her alone right now? All attempts to talk with her or ask her if she is ok make her more angry. Today she did go to school, maybe that will help. We are seeing her doctor and therapist tomorrow, and go to court for a FINS on the 15th. Pray nothing worse happens in the mean time. We thought of trying for acute care placement now, but she is denying suicide thoughts and wouldn't qualify. I pray this gets better today, the stress is killing me, I honestly am feeling some depression and anxiety over this but I just don't have the time to deal with it right now. To top it off college classes start in 9 days. I know the Lord won't give you more then you can handle, so I am praying for a stronger back, as I feel mine is breaking under the wt of all this... I have faith that he will never leave me though and has given me this verse to console me
But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, AND NOT BE WEARY; and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

Having a better day..

Yesterday morning was still rough with dd very touchy, and withdrawn. We all just try and stay out of her way and have as little interaction with her a possible during times like this or it tends to set her off again. By last night she was back to normal, out in the kitchen talking with us and asking to go over to friends house ect.. we kept her home still last night to be sure the mood was truly better and all seems fine today. Praise the Lord. Tonight she is wanting to go over to a local friends house and stay, this girl has never been in trouble and I think would be ok, maybe a good influence on dd, so we will let her go.

On moods and madness...


Our daughter has had a very good past couple weeks, we have enjoyed her so much and I praise God that he gave us a stable Christmas together. Last night things turned for the worse again. I don't know why this always takes me by surprise but each time she gets 'better' I start to think we are in the clear. Even though I know in the back of my mind( logic ) she will struggle again, my heart forgets. Who knows what set her off last night, all I know is that she seemed agitated and caged in, pacing the house almost, keeping to herself, snapping at her brothers, fighting with her friends on the phone. I know she had left her cell phone charger at a friends house and she kept wanting me to take her to get it, I told her I would take her the next time we went somewhere (today) but not last night. This was irritating to her, she was angry inside. I know that she didn't really know why so she looks for a target, this is how she gets.

So she is using my phone to call her friends, I didn't even know, fighting with them and yelling. next thing I know her dad brings me my phone, it is broken. she has thrown it across the room. At this point we order her to come and sit in the living room chair with us the rest of the night, we can see that she is not stable and not thinking right, trying to prevent her from being up in her room cutting. She sits there crying and scratching her arms for hours, refuses to speak or answer our questions as to why and who has her so upset, of course I say some things I am not proud of in anger over my phone getting broke. I am taking the phone we got her for Christmas, as my replacement, sad that she didn't even get to keep it a week, and she really loved it so much. But each time I see it or use it I just feel sick. Sick that my daughter suffers, It is not her choice to be this way. I know that she makes bad choices over and over, believe me I know. But she would like to do differently. The meds help, but don't cure. I know that she needs to go into long term treatment, but I don't have faith that it will help, I lack the guts to send her away, I am afraid of what might happen, it might make it worse. I pray to God to give me the wisdom to know what to do, and the strength to do it. I pray to God to heal her mind and rid her of the demons that are killing her. I am thankful to God for the good times we have with her. I pray that I will be the mom she needs and someday she will be happy and be able to feel the love we all have for her. We ended last night with her forced to sleep in a pallet in our floor because we knew she was to unstable to be up stairs alone and feared what she might get into.

This is hard to post stuff like this, it is much easier to go about and keep this kind of stuff private, but if this helps one other person, one mother who might be wondering 'is something wrong with my child' then it is worth it. The world needs to understand this kind of thing more and not blame.. blame the parents,( not strict enough, not consistent, spoiled kids, ect...) we have been good parents, Not perfect, but good. We have tried our best. Blame the child.....( she's just bad, she's spoiled, manipulating, needs a spanking, needs sent away, needs jail, needs to be taught a lesson that actions have consequences). ENOUGH! she is hurting too! she is a young girl, a girl who has lived a life of not understanding her own emotions, anger. A girl who can't explain why her thoughts twist like they do, a girl whom God has a plan for and JESUS loves, a girl who her mother loves, but fears that she can't feel it. I am adding a song that reminds me of my daughter take the time to listen to the words. This turned out to be a pouring out getting on my soapbox kind of post. Thanks for reading, pray for her, pray for me.

So upset with our girl..

Our girl has marred her beautiful body again, this time with a home done tattoo, its ugly, dark , offensive and right on her inner wrist. I nearly died. It was done at a friends house and hid from us for quite a while with long sleeves and wrist bands. I am just sick, (at least she said she used a brand new sewing needle and didn't share it with anyone. Thank God.) I am so angry at her that I can't really even have a conversation with her about it, without starting to loose it. She keeps saying "it will fade" I made things worse by making the comment that she could just be grounded until it faded then, this prompted her to try and scrub it off, which as left large, raw, scabs across the area, but didn't fade the ugly thing a bit. I pray to God to let me see her through his eyes, to give me wisdom to know how to respond to her, and to keep and protect her.

just plain tired..

It has not been a good day for our girl, I can tell that her mood has been darker today, I have tried to ask (very gently ) if things are OK but she had a blow up at me tonight. I hope and pray that she will not be upstairs in her room cutting on her arm tonight, but I know that if I push it will make things worse. I hate these dark days of hers. I struggle with the cutting because I have no way of understanding it. We do know that she uses it to decrease her frustration level when she feels overwhelmed. I have seen small glimpses of improvement in her developmental maturity over the past several months. so I am hopeful that things will improve. I am tired tonight, I have been working temporarily at my old job, while my replacement is on maternity leave. This means that I have my regular full time weekend nights job, my weekday temp job ( 15hrs a week) part time ( 3 classes) college courses each week, lots of studying to do and papers to write, 3 children and one husband. yeah I am tired and nothing is getting taken care of at home which depresses me. The homeschooling is on hold for this month. I only have a couple weeks left at this pace then things will be calmer. Hubby has been really helpful and supportive though and I don't think I could get through it without him. Z's blood sugars have been pretty stable and we have had no problems at school managing the diabetes. we go to ACH in a couple of weeks to visit with our endo, I hope the visit is good and Z's A1C is under 8, I always feel like that # is a report card on if I am being a good mother and taking care of him or not.